Hello, Anxiety, my old friend...

Mood: guess...


Alright, we all experience it.  We all have different reasons for this way, but there's no denying it happens.  I wouldn't say I have a disorder or anything, but I feel anxious often enough to want to blog about it.

Mine is usually triggered when I think about money, driving, exams, and awkward situations.  Lately it's also triggered by certain songs, movies, and websites that remind me of the past.  My symptoms include shortness of breath/not being able to take a full breath, feeling lightheaded, jitters, sweaty palms, and chills.  Awesome, right?!

I don't think I'd ever felt this way until college.  I don't think I was able to breathe correctly for the first month or two of freshman year.  I went to the Health Center about it and they talked to me about the Counseling Center.  I started seeing one of the therapists, and it was pretty helpful.  Once I got comfortable at school (after about 2 months), I stopped going and things went back to normal.  Occasionally I felt anxious, but not to that degree (a constant feeling of dread/worry). 

I apologize for being a Debbie Downer and bringing this subject to the blog.  I just started feeling anxious and thought, "Why not write it out of your system?"  The way anxiety makes me feel is not fun.  I hate what makes me feel this way.  It really kind of makes me feel counter-productive (isn't it funny that i was "faux-productive" in my last post?). 

Well, I feel better now.  Not great, but better.  Thanks for listening (reading? if anyone is reading this...).  Much love.

wednesdays...

Mood: faux-productive


I'm pretending to be productive by putting all my books on the coffee table.  I'm hoping that they will just open themselves and transmit the information to my brain.  The topic is pretty interesting (History of the French Language), but so is the Internet.  I'm talking to my friend Rich about blogs and it's making me want to write.  If I could start writing about interesting things, I would put my blog address on facebook and let people into my little blog world.  Although, if people google me, I'm pretty sure my blog shows up.

I think I'm going to subscribe to a magazine.  I don't really have time for magazines, because of all the reading I have to do for school; but magazines always make me feel better.  Maybe it's because I usually get a magazine when I'm sick or depressed.  Even though Cosmo always has the same advice (really, how many uses for ice during sex can they really come up with?), it's still a nice time waster.

~~

Just got the letter about the comps.  I'm bugging out.  I really hope I know my stuff :(

~~

Ok... enough blogging for today.  Maybe next time I'll write about my dog.

Peace out, yo.

hey, can we talk?...

Mood: ironic

Hey, Grad School, how are you? Good? That's good. Sorry that's a lot of "goods". You look good, have you lost weight? Sorry for that other "good". Oh, man... Well ok here's the thing... I think we need a break. I know it's been really great for us lately. We've been together now for about 3 years. God, I mean, I was still a teenager when we first met! Anyway, yeah, I've done really well with you- straight A's, 4.0, good stuff. I haven't strayed or anything. I have been loyal to you, even more than I was with my undergrad classes (I may have cheated once in a while. But not without reason.  I just needed to feel better about myself and feel like I had control.).  We've had some good times and had a lot of great experiences.




See, I think we need to spend some time apart.  I just need some time to myself.  Time to grow and figure out my life.  I mean, I'm pretty lucky because I'm already halfway done with you; but I think it's time for me to grow up & get out there.  Maybe I'll be ready for you again soon.  I know you probably hate me right now, but you'll be ok.  I don't blame you for hating me.  I kind of deserve it, what with all this talk of abandoning you after investing all that time (and money) on you. 

I'm sorry, Grad School.  We'll talk again soon.


((i'm not really dropping out of school, just fyi. but i was thinking about it earlier today and decided to write out the break up speech i'd give to it... ya know, just in case))

another shameless crush post...

Jason Sudeikis from SNL.  Love him on SNL and as Floyd on 30 Rock.

Bam.

Photo from Wikipedia

 Shameless.

I guess I'm into unconventionally attractive-in-a-dorky-way older guys lately.

Oh and also... Gilles Marini. (just... click... here).  Let's just say his wife's a lucky lucky woman...

And finally, here is a link from People Magazine's website called 16 Sexy Chests to be Thankful For.  Although, I am a sucker for forearms, I can appreciate a nice chest.

Alright, enough of my shameless crush posts.  They're mostly for me (and any other single girl out there).  Sorry to deter anyone.  I make no promises about not posting blogs like this again, but it won't be frequent.

totally shameless post about my celebrity crushes...

Mood: silly


i may be 22, but that doesn't mean that i can't have silly girly schoolgirl crushes on celebrities.  granted my taste in men has changed since i was a teen (which was oh-so-many years ago), but the giddiness is what makes these crushes teen-like.

ok so i just watched an interview jennifer aniston and jason bateman did for moviephone and aol.  it made me remember my celebrity crush on j.b. 

photo from babble.com

jason bateman creeped me out in Juno, but once i started watching Arrested Development, i was back on the j.b. crush. love me some michael bluth.

then that made me think of how i also now have a crush on paul rudd, especially after seeing "i love you, man".  he just makes me feel giggly.

photo from prettyboring.com

and remember that he was in Clueless!  i forgot until toni and i watched it on the train ride back from the city.  he was adorable.

that's all for now. just wanted to share and maybe see if anyone has any thoughts...

i need a little push...

Mood: contemplative...

My room is a mess. Maybe it's a metaphor for my mind.  There's a lot of crap up there in my noggin right now and it's getting a little frustrating.  I just need to, like, expel everything and start over.  Loans, car, school, messy room... it's just so awful.

I'm still trudging through Eat, Pray, Love.  I really want to finish it before the movie comes out on Friday.  I got a lot of reading done in the car ride to and from Massachusetts this weekend.  I'm in the last part of the book.  So far, I enjoyed the Italy portion best; but I felt like India was so long.  It kind of felt too personal, as she was trying to describe her religious experiences.  It felt almost invasive.  But I'm almost done and I think I like this part.  I like it more than the second part that's for sure...

Sorry, I started writing this thinking I had a lot to say; but I don't think that what I had in mind is worth it. 

Okay here's something funny/interesting: When we went to pick up the dog from the vet, there was a cage with 5 kittens in the lobby.  One was an orange tabby and the others were black.  They were all named after different pastas, except the orange one was named "Meatball".  There were Ravioli, Penne, Gnocci, and Elbows.  I walked over to the cage and they all woke up from their kitty snoozes and got really excited to see someone paying attention to them.  It was adorable.  I loved looking at them.  I wanted one, badly.  But to be honest, I really only like kittens.  Old cats are cranky, not frisky and cute.  Plus, Mimi would NOT be okay with another animal in this house.  Oh well, someday I'll have a cute dog named "Fondue" and s/he will be awesome.

Also seen at the vet was Kevin Rodriguez!  What's funny is that I was just talking about him when my parents and I were talking about when I got my braces off and had to wear a retainer.  Kevin said he couldn't understand me at play rehearsal so I stopped wearing my retainer... thanks Kevin! :)  kidding, dude, i'm totally over it now- my teeth are fine!  Thanks for taking care of my doggie this weekend (sorry she snapped at you!)

you've got a friend in me...

Mood: in repair

I just went to see Toy Story 3 with my mom and let me tell you: the best movie I've seen in years.  Not even exaggerating.  It was so clever and funny and sweet (hm, sounds like the description of the perfect man! j/k... kind of...).  I was trying really hard to avoid any spoilers, and I am so glad that I managed to do so!  I was really nervous yesterday when my cousins were coming over because I thought they might spill the beans on the ending; but my aunt was good about reminding them not to ruin it for me and my mom (since we were seeing it the next day).  I won't say much more about it, but I am really pleased with how it ended.

No matter what "You've Got a Friend in Me" will always make me tear up.

I won't keep talking about Toy Story because I really don't want to ruin it for anyone who might be reading this and wants to see it.

This past month has been truly difficult emotionally.  I'm really trying to get my head and heart back together.  My friends and family have been helping me in this process.  It's difficult going from one extreme to the complete opposite.  Having a strong support system has been extremely beneficial.  Being back at camp and having the show has been good because it keeps my mind busy.  When I don't have something keeping my mind active, my thoughts slip back into the dark and I physically feel ill and emotionally full of anguish.  I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.  Some people have told me that "just moving on" and "getting over it" will make me feel better and show that I am strong.  But this isn't a competition and nobody is going to win or lose.  This is all about being selfish.  It's about being selfish on both sides.  I'm trying to focus on myself and grow from this.  I won't comment on the other side of this whole thing.  Just know that I am going to be a better person.  I've done what I needed to do.  I'm going to back away and cover my tracks.  But I will be a better person.

It's going to take a while before I'm whole again; but with the love and support of my family and friends, I'll make it through. 

Alright enough with the emotional stuff!  On to something lighter... well, sort of...

 So there's this new show on ABC Family called "Huge".  I'm pretty sure it's about a fat camp.  I just saw an ad for it and it seems like it could be interesting.  Nikki Blonsky from Hairspray is in it, and I really thought she made a good Tracy.  It'll just be interesting to see what happens with the show.  I'm hoping it will send positive messages.  But with a title like "huge" and a nation full of cruel teenagers, who knows what'll happen.

Oh well, we all know the best depiction of fat camp will forever be Heavyweights.  Here's a compilation of quotes from this hilarious film:


BUDDY!!

~~Much love

hang on, little tomato...

Mood:grateful
I've got some pretty darn amazing friends. I feel so blessed to have such good people in my life. They're really helping me get through a tough time in my life, and I don't know how I will ever thank them.



Camp starts in one week. Thank the Lord. I've had a month to sit around and clean my room, try to read (still haven't made much progress on Eat, Pray, Love but I'm trying!!), catch up on movies/tv, spend time with my folks... but that's getting kind of old. I'm doing another summer show, so I get to see my drama dork friends from high school a few times a week. A bunch of us went to see Ricky play at a restaurant last Friday. He's so talented, I can't wait to see what he does with his life. The original piano man :) Good times.



I've started running/power walking. It's a really good way to work out stress and frustration. It's just time for me to focus on being the best person I can be, and for now, getting out and running seems like a good way to try to achieve that.



While I was cleaning my room yesterday, I found a note a friend had written to me while we were doing Cinderella in high school. The things she said to me were straight from the heart and they made me feel really hopeful that things will be okay someday. I wrote to her on FB and thanked her for her kind words. It's good to show appreciation for people who support you and have faith in your strength. Finding that note literally re-lit the light in my heart that had recently been blown out. Just a little spark, but I'm going to guard it and slowly add more tinder... then kindling... then fuel. And it will return to its blazing glory.



While on our power walk today, I was telling Toni that we need to believe that everything will work out because it will. We are not going to let ourselves fail and abandon our dreams. We will all be fine. I will finish my Masters, I will go to Paris, and I will be fine.



This blog is certainly growing up, isn't it?



Good night, all!